I hear ya, F.

I read F's post about the emotions he's feeling When the Good Ex Gets Engaged. I know exactly how he's feeling. My "Good Ex", the one who broke up with me senior year of college to find himself, said he never stopped loving me and I assumed we'd find each years later, our older, more mature and stable selves back in love, called me two years ago to tell me he had gotten married over the weekend. The news blindsided me while I was browsing through the aisles of Barnes and Noble. I calmly said "congratulations" with what I hoped sounded like a hint of excitement, hung up the phone, stared blankly at a book for a minute, and then the tears just came pouring out. I just stood there, in the store, by myself, surrounded by strangers, crying and crying. I guess a part of me was comforted by the fact that I could hold on to him. That we could grow up, date, experience new things, and we'd have great stories once we got back together. But with his news, for the second time, it was over, and this time, for good. He was someone I thought I would eventually marry, so it really hurt that he had met someone that he loved even more than me.

I wished him all the best, he really does deserve it, but 5 years after our breakup I still find myself thinking about him, comparing every relationship to the one we had. I haven't loved anyone again the way I loved him, and I haven't felt loved the way he loved me. This confuses me greatly and I wonder if I'll ever find it again.